by Viv Grant – Director & Founder – Integrity Coaching

Often, when I am asked to tell my story and share what I have learnt about leadership over the years, I find myself beginning with my mother’s story. 

A story shaped by courage and survival 

My mother was part of the Windrush generation. She came to Britain in the 1950’s, as many of her generation did, with the hope of building a better life. But we know that story too. Although many had been told by the “mother country” that they would be welcomed with open arms, the reality was very different. The streets were not paved with gold. Instead, they encountered an openly hostile environment; one that went to great lengths to show them that they did not belong and had no rightful place in British society. 

My mum, like so many others before and after her, suffered greatly. She faced poverty, poor housing and, through no fault of her own, life as a single mother. As a young child, I had very little comprehension of the daily struggles she had to contend with. All I knew was that she appeared fearless. She appeared strong. She carried the world on her shoulders, barely showing emotion, simply doing the best she could to care for me and my two older sisters. 

It was only much later, when I stepped into headship, that I began to understand how deeply that narrative of being fearless, strong and dependable had shaped me. It had been the making of me. But it was also, in time, to become the undoing of me. 

We all carry an origin story 

Every one of us has an origin story: a story we have absorbed from birth through our caregivers, our communities and the wider world around us. It is a story about what it means to belong, to be safe and to survive. 

These stories often become internalised at a subconscious level. As children, we watch the adults around us: what they do, what they say and, just as importantly, what they don’t say. We notice how they respond to the world. Very quickly, we begin to form our own inner narratives about what we must say or not say, do or not do, in order to feel safe and feel that we belong. 

For young Viv, that narrative became: “Be strong. Don’t show emotion or vulnerability. Be fiercely independent.” For a while, that way of being in the world served me well. I was praised for being strong and seen as a “natural leader”. It was, as I said earlier, the making of me. 

When the old story no longer serves us 

Until I stepped into headship. Without the understanding I have now about how our stories shape us, that same narrative became my undoing. 

I have written elsewhere about the night, early on in my headship, when I found myself in my car sobbing, beside myself with tears. The role had become all-consuming. At the time, my “be strong” story prevented me from asking for help. I wrongly believed that asking for support would make me look weak. 

Yet, having been brought to my knees, I had no choice but to ask for help. In doing so, I began to write a new narrative about myself. I found a way to inspect my origin story, identify the plotlines I wanted to keep and gently begin writing new ones. 

The leadership work of rewriting our narratives 

Asking for help,  I have long since discovered, is a key leadership strength. I have worked with enough leaders now to know that there comes a point when we are all invited, and sometimes required to review our origin stories and ask whether they still serve us. 

More often than not, as in my own story, every significant challenge in our life requires us to find new plotlines and new roles to play so that our narratives can grow and become more supportive of the leaders we are becoming.  

This is an iterative process. We kid ourselves if we think we can bypass it. We cannot. Yes, writing a new narrative can be painful, but it is also necessary. 

The five qualities that help us live between stories 

More recently, I have begun to explore the qualities that can help us navigate those times when we find ourselves between stories. I call them the five C’s of inner leadership: curiosity, commitment, courage, compassion and connection. 

Each quality asks something different of us, depending on where we are in our journey. If you have read this far and recognise that you may be in between stories yourself, perhaps the most helpful place to begin is with curiosity. 

A curiosity question might be: “What events have brought me to this place, and what might they mean within the bigger picture of my life?” 

An invitation to go deeper 

I explore these five Cs, and what they can mean for us as we engage with our own unfolding stories, in my book, Learning to Walk in the Dark. 

If this piece has stirred something in you about the stories you have inherited, or the story you may now be ready to rewrite, then Learning to Walk in the Dark offers a gentle companion for that journey. A copy is available on Amazon for those who feel drawn to explore further. Please click here to buy your copy: Learning To Walk In The Dark – Integrity Coaching