The Unexpected Descent into Darkness
Blog by VIv Grant, Director – Integrity Coaching
In my new book, Learning to Walk in the Dark, I write these lines from a poem, the words of which came to me during my recovery from cancer surgery in the autumn of 2023:
“Winter will take you by surprise
And the darkness too,
A descent to depths unknown
The night will claim you as its own”
There is now an added poignancy to these words, as I once again find myself in the depths of winter, grieving the recent loss of my mum.
These past few weeks have been incredibly hard—mum’s funeral was only last week, and I am still navigating moments of overwhelming grief and sadness. This emotional state has also brought me to a place of deep inner reflection.
Grief and Leadership: A Complex Intersection
One place my thoughts have gone to is my days as a Headteacher—the many times I found myself consoling staff, families, or children over the death of a loved one.
Those moments were some of the most tender yet daunting times of my career. Tender, in that they brought me into close, intimate contact with both the transcendent beauty and the fragility of life. Daunting, because in those moments, I was expected to be a trusted advisor, a pillar of strength for my school community.
Yet, as leaders, we are not grief counsellors or therapists. We are simply human beings, doing our best to navigate the ups and downs of life while carrying the emotional weight of those we lead.
The Emotional Labour of Leadership
Looking back, I realise just how bereft our education system was—and to a certain extent still is—when it comes to supporting school leaders through times of deep emotional labour. There seems to be little acknowledgment of the intersections between our personal emotional lives and the demands of leadership. The burden of navigating grief, both our own and that of our school community, is often left unspoken and unsupported.
The 5 C’s of Inner Leadership: A Guide for Difficult Times
Although Learning to Walk in the Dark was born out of my cancer journey, I hope it will also serve as a resource for school leaders, offering support in areas that have long been neglected—particularly the emotional realities of leadership.
In the book, I introduce the 5 C’s of Inner Leadership, which can serve as guideposts for anyone navigating life’s winters:
- Curiosity – The capacity to engage with questions that cause you to look beyond the surface of your life.
- Commitment – The capacity to commit to “The Road Less Travelled” and embrace new ways of being that serve the greater whole.
- Courage – The capacity to embrace vulnerability and engage with personal and cultural shadows to develop psychological maturity and wisdom.
- Compassion – The capacity to treat oneself with understanding and self-care, allowing old habits to give way to new, generative ones.
- Connection – The capacity to build deeper relationships with self, others, and the planet.
Which ‘C’ Do You Need Right Now?
If you are facing a recent loss or dealing with another of life’s winters, I encourage you to reflect on these 5 C’s and ask yourself: Which one do I need to nurture right now?
For me, the ‘C’ I need most right now is Compassion. I am learning to allow the darkness, my emotions, and my grief to surround me—to accept that tears are part of the healing process, part of becoming whole, and part of what it means to be fully human.
Whatever winter you are facing, I hope you find the inner strength to navigate it with grace, knowing that even in the darkest times, there is light to be found.
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If you recognise that your life has taken a turn and you are in the depth of winter,, then I hope that this book will be a guide and a light for you when the nights seem at the longest.
